- Oct 16, 2021
- 4 min read

Coping with Abandonment & It's Side Effects

Martin Luther King said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that." King also said, "A riot is the language of the unheard." Words, like weapons, can be used to our benefit based on context.

Created by: Kam O’Neal for Coping with Feelings of Abandonment

I do not believe that these are two opposing views, rather two sides of the same coin. It's really easy to get angry. That's where most of us go first. It's so easy to forget love when we're stuck in rage because we didn't feel loved in the first place.

The feeling of abandonment isn't introduced as an adult. It's a feeling you learn to label as an adult. It often feels like the weight of the world to feel like you have no place in the world. Those feelings arent just at home, though that is usually where they begin.

Abandonment often comes with helplessness because it feels so lonely. It can easily lead to being taken advantage of because inevitably, your discernment suffers. You dont feel empowered anymore or struggle to remember the last time you did. Abandonment can take on many forms but its often associated with the disguise of pain.

Though with abandonment you learn to grow. You learn that your power is in your reaction. How you choose to play the hand you were dealt. Abandonment is deeper than just "needing" someone and they let you down. It runs into not being taught or shown how to be there for you when you need you.

We often turn to using aggression like armour. We use our defenses to fuel the fire of seperation because thats all we know. Whether its in our homes or our society; we have a bad habit of turning a blind eye to things that should concern us. Then we find ourselves in indugling in things that dont! Social media has aided in how easily that is to do.

Its hard to make a difference with silence. So we have to adopt patience. Patience and grace. The first step is to allow yourself to feel the things you feel. Truly, give yourself permisson. It doesnt make you weak. It shows you, your strength. We are not taught that emotions are a lot like adjectives, words used to describe something. Though experience and perspective change everything regardless of the definition. It is hard to tell someone how to inerpret their feelings. Simply, you cannot tell someone "how" to feel.

Though, patience makes room for courage to be all that you are, each and everyday. It takes teaching yourself something new and being willing to commit to that expereince of growth. Learning compassion. It'll lead you to find the comfort of not feeling lonely when you're alone.

Moving through life, we're taught in our own way that love wins, no matter how it looks. That will depend on how evolved one truly is. When we fear our emotions, how do we discern where they are rooted? Weed out the negative thoughts and focus on the facts. We often get caught up in chasing validation because we dont feel heard. When you're feeling connected, you can't overlook that the answer has and always will be, love. That starts with the love you have for yourself. Your reality will always highlight how you feel about yourself.

The only way to get it, is vulnerability. ( where shadow work comes in) Abandonment creates walls and layers that we build and tend to forget. When you have hid behind these walls for so long, you don't know anything different. That leaves the door open for fear to creep in, as it often does in it's multitude of disguises. Fear plays it's part, the part we allow it to play.

When coping and healing from feelings of abandonment understand that your awareness is key. It is very easy to get lost in overcompensating because it makes you feel like maybe things will be different if I give more than I even have. That will never be the case, ever. You set the tone for what you allow and how you are treated. That is not to say that everything will be perfect. However, you take your power back amongst the things you can give power to.

When you live in fear, you allow fear to control your life. You miss the opportunity to receive because you're focused on how much you've given. The balance is vital. Nothing is coincidental. Everything that has happened has led you to this version of you, here today. What you do with that and how you choose to look at that are all up to you. Feelings of abandonment can make you feel muted as if your voice doesnt matter. So, as I previously mentioned, getting to the root of the feelings is exactly where you find the path to your liberation.

Pay attention in what ways the lack of healing from this have played a role in your life. Be honest with yourself. Honor your truth. What you feel is valid. Sometimes we repeat patterns of trauma because it's something we are taught. It's your responsibility to not be the hurt person, hurting people.

All of these things lead you back to you. Not in an overly independent way, but in a way that sets you free from attachment. Connection and attachment are very different but often closely associated. Once you go through the healing process you find the healthy independence of abandonment. It reminds you to stay rooted within yourself because no one can tell you more about your experience than you.

When you find yourself feeling stuck. Whether you’re too independent or too co-dependent, give attention to your childhood self. It starts there. Offering yourself the things you’d like others to offer you is important to over stand and reflect on. You don’t “need” to rely on anyone outside of yourself. No one person is going to have everything you need other than you. Forgive those you put a lot of pressure on and forgive those who didn’t show up. You learn that it’s deeper than your hurt feelings because everyone has their own healing to do too!

Learn to recognize the reflections of self amongst everyone and everything in your life. What part of your subconscious mind, created this reality? If you can’t physically change anything. You can mentally change everything!

I believe in you! Til soon xx 💋

Kindly,

Kam O'Neal